Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Disasterology 101: Things to know about bird flu

Here at Disasterology Central, we keep our eye out for all the big looming disasters. Some things you need to know and plan for if the bird flu, or H5N1 avian influenza, breaks out in the US are:
  1. Barricade yourself and your family in your house and do not go outside except to die; think Ruby Ridge without all the guns.
  2. Seniors, young children, and those that are imunocomprimised are highest at risk of death from bird flu, or any type of influenza for that matter.
  3. Place a sign on your front door and garage that says 'quarantine,' its ok, the neighbors will think you are the one that is sick and they won't bother you.
  4. You will need supplies. Conservative estimates are that this outbreak could last from six months to a year, if so you will want to stock up on ALL YOUR FOOD AND HOUSEHOLD SUPPLIES BEFORE the first case is reported in your area.
  5. Let me tell you, the best place to catch Tuberculosis is at Wal-Mart. I did not say that to scare you away from the big W, however if you do not expose yourself to birds OR PEOPLE THAT ALREADY HAVE THE BIRD FLU, you can't catch it.
  6. Vitamins!!! Vitamin C, B's, E, Zinc, and Tamiflu are your best defenses. If you tell your family doctor that you are afraid they might write you a prescription.
If you have any disasters you are interested in protecting yourself from please write to El Presidente at ViveElPresidente [at] gmail [dot] com, or leave comments. If you spam me I will have Lead Doomologist Blue Square blast you with his DOOM-RAY or I will have aliens anal-probe you and I'm not talking about E.T.

Update: Good News, 'Bird-Flu Vaccine May Be Ready by Next Year' just don't die before then. --Vice El Presidente: Wild Bill

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